Soccer Mom!

I am officially a "soccer mom" - for the first time in 10 years! I am also a soccer coach! This is exciting for me because I have never coached a sporting activity before. It is also scary because I have never played soccer and know very little about it. A great book to the rescue! The Absolute Beginners Guide to Coaching Youth Soccer
The authors have me pegged and thankfully really do provide the basic education that one needs to be a successful coach from underlying philosophy to the practical nuts and bolt of the game and of organizing practices. I love finding the perfect book to help me when I'm in a pinch!

New Resources

This is a really cool series that and is as entertaining as it is educational. Our Dept. of Human Services offers it as one of the training resources that we can use that counts towards our 20 hours of required training/ year. I would recommend it to anyone. They explore the brain research that has taken place that helps us understand both "normal" and "abnormal" emotional states - they talk about Reactive Attachment Disorder, the importance of attachment, how to build enduring relationships, stress, depression, PTSD, grief, resilience, and finding happiness.

I added a new website to my list of favorite links. It is the Foster Club site and it has a great section for adults and a equally great section that is for youth.

They offer free on-line training- So cool!

The site is www.fosterclub.com

ID Cards

Another foster parent shared the suggestion in a book about creating an ID card for your foster children. (I think its a great idea for ALL children).
Some things to include:

Small picture
Date of Birth
Height & Weight
Insurance Information
Address and Phone number
Social Security Number (you may or may not want to include this information - I recommend putting this on one card that you keep at home, so you can access it easily, but don't run the risk of having it get lost or stolen.)

Of course, it is important to safeguard this information, however, it is equally important to be able to access this information quickly and easily when necessary. These cards can be given to respite care providers, childcare providers, or others who need this information. Your child may have one that he/she carries depending on age (A card with at least your name, phone number, and home address is important for your foster children to have access to and you can help them practice memorizing this information) and you and your spouse or partner may each want to carry one.

Scrapbook, lifebook - Good idea!

I made our foster daughter a scrap book this weekend. I made several picture-less layouts (baby, toddler, pre-school, K-1st, 2-3rd, and then began with creating layouts from our time together. She really loves it and I think it will help her with the transition back home because she'll have a nice set of pictures to look at and remind her of her live with us. She'll also be able to put pictures in from her life before and after us. I'm also making a scrapbook for us that is the "twin" of her scrapbook.
It was a really fun project and she seems to love it so far and I'm sure we'll enjoy having our book to look back at too when we are missing her!

Dreams

Last night I had a dream about one of my "grandfathers" (literally a close family friend, but was a grandfather figure for me.) During the past 5 years I have seen four of my grandfathers pass away. (Between step-grandparents and the close family friend I dreamed about I had the luxury and pleasure of having many wonderful grandparents.) It has been hard living without them and I do miss them a great deal. I occasionally have these really vivid dreams in which one of them is alive or is somehow very close to me. I usually cry in my dream and wake myself up because somehow I always realize that they are either dead or dying in the dream. I usually am really crying when I wake up too. The crazy thing is that even though these dreams are so sad in some ways, I love having them because for a few moments, I feel like the person is alive again or is somehow with me. I'd like to share a few special memories of each of my grandparents who have passed away in honor of them today. Thanks in large part to them, I am who I am and my has been blessed by their presence in it.

Grandpa P (dad's dad) ~ I was not especially close to Grandpa P, but I have a piece of him in me none the less ~ a little thing we have in common that I, no doubt, learned from him. It comes down to this memory of him always being happy to see us when we came for a visit and always standing outside in his driveway, waving and crying, when we left. I knew he loved us. As we drove away, I would look into his eyes, and I could see that love there and I would always be sorry that we had to go. I always felt like he would have liked to have us closer so we could spend more time together. He had his struggles, but he loved his family and I know he loved me.

Grandma P (dad's mom) ~ She passed away when I was 11 and was the first person that I knew who died. The thing I remember most about her is that her skin was so soft and that she had this sweet, pleasant, smell. When she would bend down to hug us when we got to her house, I loved the feel of her cheek against mine. She made tortillas and she was so warm and so loving. I'm really sorry I didn't get to know her better or get to have more time with her, but I am thankful for all the ways that she lives on in myself and in my extended family.

S ~ This is the one I had the dream about last night. I spent a lot of time growing up with S and his wife. He was a painter and a college professor and my mom would take me to his studio and we would visit. I'd usually get a cookie if we were at his office or some kind of ice cream if we were at his studio at his house. They would talk and I would listen. I really don't know what I did all the time. I laid around, looked around, enjoyed the art work, and listened. Looking back I don't know why I didn't crave having a DVD player, a book, a video game, or what ever other distraction to pass the time. Maybe I did do stuff that I just don't remember. What I remember is learning about the most important things in life. Somehow, (maybe by osmosis) this person who was a mentor and a kind of spiritual guide for my mom, became that for me as well on some level. He was a great man. A really really great human being who has been recognized widely as such and I'm so lucky that I got to share in his life and in his wisdom. He gave awesome hugs and he genuinely cared about people, including me. There were oceans in his eyes.

PP~ (mom's step-dad) I was really close to this grandpa. He and my grandma got married the year I was born and they were by far the grandparents who I got to know best and who invested the most time and energy directly in me. I visited them usually for a week or two in the summers, the gave me my first car, we went camping and boating together, I lived with them for a while in college and again when my son was born. My grandpa had this great convertible when I was little and then got a different one later in life . I have an awesome picture of him and my grandma driving down the road in this beautiful car. He spoiled me, he liked spending time with me, and he was a very warm and loving person. He and S are the only two grandparents that I have dreams about and in them I am always feeling so good because they are there and I am always so heartbroken when I have to let go again.
Somehow, I have to believe that he is with us, with me still. I don't know how or where or even if, but I want it to be so. I want to feel like these people that I love so much are still around me, watching out for me, and loving me as much as I am loving them.

Grandpa J ~ (mom's bio dad) I did not know him well. My mom only met him for the first time when she was in her 30's. We got to know him best at the end of his life when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My mom and dad moved him from his home in WY to a nursing home near us. My mom took care of him through his final months of life and we got to know him a little bit. He gave my mom the gift of life in the beginning and the gift of love in the end. I wish him peace.

Grandpa T~ (mom's ex-step-dad) He passed away when I was in my early 20's. The most vivid memory I have of him was when I was little and he and his wife were butchering a sheep at their ranch. They were running water through the intestines. I had never seen anything like that before! He was a hard worker. He had struggles with alcohol and was not always kind and loving, but he did have a lot of good qualities and we knew that he loved us. Even though he was not my mom's biological father, he was her sister's father and he always tried to treat my mom like she was his daughter. He was the man who was really her main father figure growing up and he included her in his will and in his life throughout the years. I wish him peace too.

Whew! What a cathartic experience this has been. My face is streaked with tears, but I feel like I've expressed something that I really needed to get out, so now I can feel some peace too!

The Care Conundrum

The way our society now cares for children and the elderly needs to be reexamined. Even in families where people want to be full-time care givers, there is such a focus on money that even when we are living well, we are trained to believe that we are not earning/having/doing enough.
I'll take my family situation for example. In an ideal world I would be a full-time home caregiver. I'd still be a foster/ adoptive/bio parent, but I'd probably also have my grandma come live with us and someday my parents as well. However, at this stage in the game, that is just not possible. We can get by without me working outside the home while I am in school thanks to scholarships and tax credits, but we don't have money for big vacations or other large purchases and we don't have money to buy a larger house. I feel very frustrated about the fact that my grandma can spend literally thousands of dollars per month living at a nursing home, we can spend hundreds of dollars on childcare, but if I took on the job of full time care giver I wouldn't get to have any of that money. (As a foster parent you are paid a set stipend, you don't get extra for providing "childcare" even though care will be paid for to other licensed providers if the foster parents work or attend school) It is a frustrating system and I wish our society would place a greater value on the role of care giving. It is essential, it is exorbitantly expensive the way we have things set up and we could be doing this all different. I'm sure there are people more knowledgeable than myself who could present a workable plan for providing monetary compensation to people who take care of their family members in a way that would be both efficient and fair.

Life Lessons

There is a student in one of the classes I'm observing whose father died this year and he is really struggling in school. It's one of those tough situations that teachers have to learn to deal with. I think one of the hardest parts of all is that you really don't know what impact you will have on the student over the long term. In the case of this child, he is rarely focused and (while I'm no doctor) I would guess that he is suffering from depression. They are throwing around the idea that he may have ADD or ADHD, but I doubt it, I just think he's really depressed. His family recently started attending grief counseling, so that is a good thing. I hope that the little guy can get the emotional and mental health support he needs so that he can begin to thrive in school instead of just walking through his days like a zombie.

Before and After

Today is "cleaning the closet" day and this is how it looks with everything out of the closet and on the floor. This is the time when I'm wishing that I had laid out a "one in one out" rule long ago in regards to stuffed animals... AHHHH there are so many of them and they take up so much space and they are all too precious to part with. Wish me luck in my attempt to reorganize :)



I'm pretty happy with how everything fit back in. I was able to get rid of a little bit of stuff and got most of the stuffed animals to fit into the colored bins. Yipee! Now let's see how long it lasts!

Inspiring

This has been a week full of inspiration. First, I started reading a book called Soul Stories. It is a pretty easy read, but is just one of those books that helps remind you of your core values and encourages you to live by them. Next, I was invited to go to a special luncheon that was a fund-raising event for the local AAUW chapter. I am the recipient of one of the scholarships they sponsor, so go to say thank you to all the generous donors. That was special because I found out that many of the people there who are contributors to the fund are also friends of mine from church and some of my old teachers! The most amazing part, however, was hearing the guest speakers. Paula Huntley wrote a book called The Hemingway Book Club of Kosovo which is basically the publication of a journal that she kept during a year's time spent with her husband living and working in Kosovo following the Serbian genocide of ethnic Albanians in Kosovo and the U.S. intervention that stopped the war. At the luncheon she spoke about women and their role in Kosavar society and the need to continue to support the education of women and girls and to empower them and honor their contributions. With her at the luncheon was a young woman who Paula had met while in Kosovo (she was the younger sister of one of Paula's students) and now both the young woman and her brother have had the opportunity to study in the U.S. The stories were very moving and very inspiring. If you haven't read the book, I encourage you to do so~ the world is such a big place, but we are all a part of it and we all are connected in so many ways whether we know it or not.
Lastly, I was inspired this evening by my son. I've been debating about when/ how to tell him that two new foster children may be coming into our home. I really hoped he would have an accepting attitude, but I just didn't know what his reaction would be. To my delight, the second I said "two new foster kids might be coming to us" a big smile spread across his face and lit up his eyes. I told him that if they came, he would have to share his bedroom and he was like, "okay, I'm fine with that." He was excited about the idea of having bunk beds in his room. What a little sweetheart. It is so wonderful to see in him the same feeling that I have in my heart... the same reaction the my husband had... when children need a home, the answer is YES!
We know they will bless us, we know that they will be our teachers, we know how good it feels when you have more people to love.

Our Antlers Up

Okay, so again, for educational purposes, I wanted to share the process that occurs in my mind when I get a call, like the one I got yesterday about getting a possible placement.
The case worker calls and gives some very limited information about the children... their ages, any health concerns, that's about it.
My mind starts to race...my first thought is probably, "Am I insane for even considering saying yes?" My second thought is, "How can we make this work" Then my mind goes blank and I can't think of any other questions and I'm just like, uh okay...
What I have to say to the case worker... which is really surprisingly hard...is, "Um, okay we might be able to do this. We'll think about it and call you back later with more questions."
Then... I look in my notebook with my list of questions that I was told in training (and in books) to ask. Then I think about space concerns, try to inventory the equipment we have, imagine how/where children would fit and consider logistics. At this point, I don't even worry about if the children will be likable, really challenging, or if we will all figure out how to get along. That part seems 1) inevitable and 2) out of my hands until the children are actually here.
I mean, if I know I'll need childcare for the children, I call and find out if area facilities have openings. Then once I have it all mapped out and feel like it would work and I am actually excited about the possibilities again.
Next, I feel weird and pause because the case worker only offers info if I ask and I really don't know if I should be expending this energy thinking about all this because there is still no telling if the children will be placed with us at all. Then, I realize that its good that I did because IF the kids are placed with us, we'll be somewhat ready. Finally, I have to force myself to let go. I have to just say if they come we can handle that scenario and if they don't we'll just go along and at some point other kids will come.

About the process

The foster care system is so huge and so varied and it is really difficult to get a handle on. We have been foster parents for about 9 months now and I feel almost as clueless about how it all works as I did when we first began. I've read several books by experienced foster parents (thank goodness for them!), but still it seems that every county has its own way of doing things and its so difficult to figure out what the heck is going on.
Here is what I know...and what I don't
Step one... families get reported to the police and social services
Step two...social services begins and investigation and builds a case (this seems like it can take months or years)
Step 3... children are taken in to foster care (seems like there usually has to be a precipitating "event" that is documented and requires law enforcement intervention on top of the previously documented observations)
I don't know why some times children are only taken into care for like a week and other times its longer term... I don't know how timing is figured out. I think maybe if there isn't a lot of other data in a file already, then maybe one event (especially one that isn't too horrible or is too hard to prove) isn't enough to keep the kids in care for an extended amount of time.
Step 4... children are placed either in an "on-call" temporary home, a transition facility, or possibly in some cases in the foster home that they will stay in.
I don't understand how the caseworkers decide who to place children with. I'm sure it is partly to do with who had room, who says yes, and who is licensed for the given age range... but are there other considerations? I ask this because, so far, our case workers have acted very cloak and dagger about whether or not they were going to place kids with us. Why can't they just be a little clearer about what they are thinking and what they are hoping for. I mean, I know some foster parents must be difficult to work with at times, but really, I think a lot of us are nice and that we really do want what is best for the kids~ we just want to know a little more about what is going on behind the scenes.
Step 5...children settle into a foster home (or don't and move around a little or a lot) visit their parents, receive therapy and other services
Step 6...child either gets reunified with his/her parents or the parent's rights are terminated and the child becomes legally free for adoption. Again, I note that this seems like it can have a variety of time lines. In CO, I know that children under the age of 6 have to have a "permanency plan" within one year and children over six must have one within 18 months. I haven't quite figured out if that means that they need to have a "permanent" home within that time frame or if they there just needs to be the "plan" that is being worked on.
Okay, I know that is pretty basic, but there you have it... all I know with MANY gaps. :)

Everything Can Change in an Instant...

So... got a call this morning about children who are in need of being placed and I feel tons of crazy emotions right now!!! Nervous, excited, unsure... wow! I've been SO wanting to have more children join our home, especially since I'll be out of school for the summer and could really enjoy having them with me and spending my summer days with a houseful of craziness and fun! I still don't know at this point if we'll decide to take them (or if we'll get chosen to take them), but this is one of those BIG days, one of those days that can potentially change your life. Wish us luck in making the right decision and in handling whatever may come with grace!

Handipoint ~ Chore Chart Tool

I added a new link to my links list today... its www.handipoints.com and its an on-line chore chart tool for parents and kids. You can make the charts and either print them or just keep track of them on-line. Kids earn points and you can set up rewards... allowance, toys, donations to charity or whatever you want. They also have an on-line game that kids can play and they can use some of the points they earn to get stuff in the game too. We've used it in the past and have just recently re-started it and I really like it. The kids think its fun and its easier for me to keep up with and maintain than when I just try to constantly print out or make up charts myself. It offers a lot so I encourage you to check it out!
On a personal note, I like being able to have a list of activities and chores for the kids to do after school so that 1) they don't get bored and just want to annoy me and 2) they don't immediately dive for the DS, Wii, or T.V. Also, this puts the responsibility in their hands so I'm not a nag... I can just say ~ Check your handipoints and they can take it from there. Lastly, I like that the lists are totally customizable. We have this new activity that the kid's class at church is sponsoring called "Gems of Goodness" ~ I wanted to find a way to support that project which is about inspiring kids to notice all thing good things they do and to keep a log of them in a special notebook. However, I didn't want it to be a fight, like "YOU write about being good or else!" Using handipoints made it simple, I just added "do something nice for someone else" and "write in your gems of goodness notebook" as two items on the list. Now these activities are just a natural part of the "routine" and the kids like it because they get to earn points toward their allowance/reward and they enjoy these activities.
Okay, so there is my sales pitch... I just realized that they really should pay me for this! lol!

My Hobby

I love scrap-booking and sewing... here are a few pics of my recent sewing projects.
The pic above is our new slip cover... the couch looks totally different and for the first time ever, the slip cover actually fits well and looks GREAT! (I expertly put the slip cover on, but did not do any of the sewing :)
Okay this the first example of my sewing ~ I hemmed up some curtains that my sister gave me. They didn't come out perfect, but I like how they look.
I've had a lot of fun sewing patches over holes in our pants. This is a pair of my pants that I did the patch on. Its fun!
These are the DS cases that I made for the kids. This was a really fun project and happily I only spent two evenings working on these. That's right, I've started projects AND finished them. :)

Adoptuskids.org

One of my favorite web-sites... www.adoptuskids.org- I'm addicted to it! Okay, I don't look at it every day, but looking at the kiddos on their is like taking shot of mommy-crack. lol! Since we are home-studied, I get to be a site member and get to sort and organize my lists of kids who might eventually be good fits for us. The trick (and the cause of a lot of frustration for me) is that I really have to be patient for a while because our contract with our county is in effect until August. We can't really pursue any other adoption until then. There is also the potential that we could have an adoptable child placed with us by our county between now and Aug. In any case, I still enjoy looking at the sites photo gallery.

A Soccer Player and Coach!

I am proud to announce that our boy has decided to play soccer this year. In addition, though I have never played soccer and don't know anything about the game... I have volunteered to be a coach. (Don't everyone sign up to be on my team at once now! lol :) Anyways, A- hasn't played on a team since kindergarten and this is the first time that he has said YES to joining a team sport since then so I'm super excited! It'll be fun to have a good excuse (or something forcing us) to spend some time outside and enjoy spring! I'm going to have us watch some Youtube videos and maybe read up on soccer some AND play around some together before our first practice so us two novices can go in with at least a little background knowledge. (Did I mention that I think I only played on one team EVER in my life) I'm looking forward to this new experience!

In other news, the kids Destination Imagination tournament is coming up in a couple of weeks. Wow! I can hardly believe that all these months have passed and that they really are going to be ready to compete! Its been a long process, but I've really enjoyed being a co-team manager and its been a cool project to get to be in on with them. Now that I've done this, and I'm at the school two days a week, I'm starting to get to know quite a few kids at the school and get to know the faces of my kids friends. It feels good when they all smile and recognize me and want a hug or a high five. And, not to brag, but the librarian told me the other day that some of the DI team members came in and told her that they love having me as one of their coaches. :) Warms the heart. lol!

New Books!

Just received a package containing several new books that I recently ordered. I'm so excited! They are: "If You Had to Choose, What Would You Do?", 10-minute Life Lessons for Kids, What Do You Stand For (for kids), and Philosophy for Kids.

I'm really excited about having them, and yes, I'm realizing that I may have gone overboard, BUT they all look awesome and I'll space out their use with the kids.

The topic of values and ethics is something that just doesn't come up in everyday conversations, so its cool to find cool tools like these great books to help open conversations. I think this summer we'll look at the "What Do You Stand For" book, and I'm going to start the "What Would You Do?" book right away... it has short stories that describe a situation followed by questions about how you would react in you were in their shoes. Anyways, it looks very approachable and fun!

On a side note, I also ordered a book for F and her bio mom called "Just Mom and Me" (an American Girl product), it looks super fun too and I'm hoping that they enjoy the discussion and activity ideas that it includes.

The Adoption Option

There is nothing more fun and more frustrating than knowing that your home and your heart are open and ready for more children... and not being able to predict or control when those new members of the family will arrive. When we found out that infertility would limit (or render impossible) the opportunity to have a biological child, we both felt grief over the loss of a dream. My husband enjoys children and likes that we have them, but is not as wrapped up in the idea of parenthood as I am. I LOVE being a parent... it is my total passion and I have ALWAYS wanted to have several children, so, while he contends that he's content with where were are and the current size and form of our family, I have to take the credit (or fault) for pushing us towards adoption. Thank goodness he is supportive of the plan ~ also thankfully he is pragmatic and keeps me grounded in reality. (i.e. not biting off more than we can realistically chew- either in terms of numbers of children or in terms of financial decisions.)
Now about that adoption option... currently we are foster parents and are hoping that this path will lead us to a child (or two) who we will get to adopt. If it doesn't within the next year or so, then we'll look at some other options. In the mean time, I' m still trying to figure out what the ideal child (or children) will look like. I realize that its unrealistic to think that I'll get to adopt tons of children, so I need to try to key into what I really want... what would really satisfy my ticking clock and what would help me to feel that my family was really complete.
I kinda sorta know, but at the same time, even though I'm not consciously superstitious, I don't want to "jinx" us and end up passing up a great kid. Right now I'm feeling torn because I love having a child close to A-'s age. Its really wonderful for him to have a sis who is also a friend and not just a little baby pest. At the same time, I also want a baby. Having not had one in our family for 10 years, I feel mixed about the pros and cons of adopting an infant or very young child. It would mean a lot of changes to our everyday routines, a lot of baby equipment and toys, and it would be a psychological adjustment because it would be so new for all of us. I guess I just have to come to grips with the fact that I want two kids and I want one older and one younger. The timing might have to be extended because, logistically, it would take some doing to squeeze two more bodies (big or little!) into our house. Maybe a sibling group will magically appear. :) Who knows. What I do know is that I am excited! I know our children are out there somewhere and I know, someday, we will find them.

Another Transition+Random Thoughts

There is something that is just straight therapeutic about blogging/ journaling. Turns out that I am drawn to it more and actually DO IT more when I am need of an outlet. And yes, this is one of those times. We are preparing once again for a new adventure. As you can read about in previous posts if you don't already know, our foster daughter joined our home in late August of 2010. We got into the swing of everyday life and yes, we fell in love - and yes, we knew from the start that the plan has been for her to be reunified with her bio mom. In any case, the time for reunification is drawing nearer. Transition planning is taking place and we are gearing up for some more unsupervised and home visits in the coming weeks. I have a lot of crazy, mixed-up emotions swimming around in my head... heaven only knows how she must be feeling! Its wild to think that she'll have been with us for around 9 mos. before she heads back to her mom's and its amazing that in that amount of time she has become "our" daughter in so many ways. Yet, at the same time, I have a better understanding about how significant the differences are between actually getting to adopt a child and being a foster parent. When you adopt, you get to be the child's "real" parent(s). Even though you are not their only parent(s), I think its easier t frame, both for yourself and for the child. You can related it to children who's parents are divorced and they have two sets of "real" parents. However, when you are the foster parent, no matter how much you may love the child or how much they have bonded with you there is a barrier and a sense of impermency and because of that neither your or the child really ever get to put your full guard down. You will lose each other and its scary and sad and its only natural to want to protect yourself. Granted, many times (and I hope in our case too) we will get to have an on-going relationship, but it won't be the same. Unless something sad happens in her bio family, we will never be in the role of being her "parents" again. Selfishly, I'd love to get to "keep" her, but I know that is not what she wants and I know that it would be REALLY hard on her to be let down by her mom. She wants the family that she has known her whole life and I want that for her too (obviously in a modified - healthier and safer version). This is not easy. It seems awkward enough at this point to have to define my self as her "foster parent", it will be even more cumbersome to have to refer to myself as her "former foster parent". Its also tough because the general public don't know what that means. Its been a slow process for US to figure out what it means and its been equally difficult for our friends and family to get a handle on it. Its strange having a "new" person in a family and no one else really gets a chance to know that person as well as the immediate foster parents/siblings, so all those emotional connections that are built that feel so super strong to the family members may seem tenuous (at best) to the outsider who hasn't been there for every little moment of bonding. I can tell you one thing... the English language does not have all the right words to describe kinship bonds yet. A child who is your home for months or years IS in your heart and in your family forever. If not I'm not her mother and she's not my daughter... what are we?