Another Transition+Random Thoughts

There is something that is just straight therapeutic about blogging/ journaling. Turns out that I am drawn to it more and actually DO IT more when I am need of an outlet. And yes, this is one of those times. We are preparing once again for a new adventure. As you can read about in previous posts if you don't already know, our foster daughter joined our home in late August of 2010. We got into the swing of everyday life and yes, we fell in love - and yes, we knew from the start that the plan has been for her to be reunified with her bio mom. In any case, the time for reunification is drawing nearer. Transition planning is taking place and we are gearing up for some more unsupervised and home visits in the coming weeks. I have a lot of crazy, mixed-up emotions swimming around in my head... heaven only knows how she must be feeling! Its wild to think that she'll have been with us for around 9 mos. before she heads back to her mom's and its amazing that in that amount of time she has become "our" daughter in so many ways. Yet, at the same time, I have a better understanding about how significant the differences are between actually getting to adopt a child and being a foster parent. When you adopt, you get to be the child's "real" parent(s). Even though you are not their only parent(s), I think its easier t frame, both for yourself and for the child. You can related it to children who's parents are divorced and they have two sets of "real" parents. However, when you are the foster parent, no matter how much you may love the child or how much they have bonded with you there is a barrier and a sense of impermency and because of that neither your or the child really ever get to put your full guard down. You will lose each other and its scary and sad and its only natural to want to protect yourself. Granted, many times (and I hope in our case too) we will get to have an on-going relationship, but it won't be the same. Unless something sad happens in her bio family, we will never be in the role of being her "parents" again. Selfishly, I'd love to get to "keep" her, but I know that is not what she wants and I know that it would be REALLY hard on her to be let down by her mom. She wants the family that she has known her whole life and I want that for her too (obviously in a modified - healthier and safer version). This is not easy. It seems awkward enough at this point to have to define my self as her "foster parent", it will be even more cumbersome to have to refer to myself as her "former foster parent". Its also tough because the general public don't know what that means. Its been a slow process for US to figure out what it means and its been equally difficult for our friends and family to get a handle on it. Its strange having a "new" person in a family and no one else really gets a chance to know that person as well as the immediate foster parents/siblings, so all those emotional connections that are built that feel so super strong to the family members may seem tenuous (at best) to the outsider who hasn't been there for every little moment of bonding. I can tell you one thing... the English language does not have all the right words to describe kinship bonds yet. A child who is your home for months or years IS in your heart and in your family forever. If not I'm not her mother and she's not my daughter... what are we?