Dreams

Last night I had a dream about one of my "grandfathers" (literally a close family friend, but was a grandfather figure for me.) During the past 5 years I have seen four of my grandfathers pass away. (Between step-grandparents and the close family friend I dreamed about I had the luxury and pleasure of having many wonderful grandparents.) It has been hard living without them and I do miss them a great deal. I occasionally have these really vivid dreams in which one of them is alive or is somehow very close to me. I usually cry in my dream and wake myself up because somehow I always realize that they are either dead or dying in the dream. I usually am really crying when I wake up too. The crazy thing is that even though these dreams are so sad in some ways, I love having them because for a few moments, I feel like the person is alive again or is somehow with me. I'd like to share a few special memories of each of my grandparents who have passed away in honor of them today. Thanks in large part to them, I am who I am and my has been blessed by their presence in it.

Grandpa P (dad's dad) ~ I was not especially close to Grandpa P, but I have a piece of him in me none the less ~ a little thing we have in common that I, no doubt, learned from him. It comes down to this memory of him always being happy to see us when we came for a visit and always standing outside in his driveway, waving and crying, when we left. I knew he loved us. As we drove away, I would look into his eyes, and I could see that love there and I would always be sorry that we had to go. I always felt like he would have liked to have us closer so we could spend more time together. He had his struggles, but he loved his family and I know he loved me.

Grandma P (dad's mom) ~ She passed away when I was 11 and was the first person that I knew who died. The thing I remember most about her is that her skin was so soft and that she had this sweet, pleasant, smell. When she would bend down to hug us when we got to her house, I loved the feel of her cheek against mine. She made tortillas and she was so warm and so loving. I'm really sorry I didn't get to know her better or get to have more time with her, but I am thankful for all the ways that she lives on in myself and in my extended family.

S ~ This is the one I had the dream about last night. I spent a lot of time growing up with S and his wife. He was a painter and a college professor and my mom would take me to his studio and we would visit. I'd usually get a cookie if we were at his office or some kind of ice cream if we were at his studio at his house. They would talk and I would listen. I really don't know what I did all the time. I laid around, looked around, enjoyed the art work, and listened. Looking back I don't know why I didn't crave having a DVD player, a book, a video game, or what ever other distraction to pass the time. Maybe I did do stuff that I just don't remember. What I remember is learning about the most important things in life. Somehow, (maybe by osmosis) this person who was a mentor and a kind of spiritual guide for my mom, became that for me as well on some level. He was a great man. A really really great human being who has been recognized widely as such and I'm so lucky that I got to share in his life and in his wisdom. He gave awesome hugs and he genuinely cared about people, including me. There were oceans in his eyes.

PP~ (mom's step-dad) I was really close to this grandpa. He and my grandma got married the year I was born and they were by far the grandparents who I got to know best and who invested the most time and energy directly in me. I visited them usually for a week or two in the summers, the gave me my first car, we went camping and boating together, I lived with them for a while in college and again when my son was born. My grandpa had this great convertible when I was little and then got a different one later in life . I have an awesome picture of him and my grandma driving down the road in this beautiful car. He spoiled me, he liked spending time with me, and he was a very warm and loving person. He and S are the only two grandparents that I have dreams about and in them I am always feeling so good because they are there and I am always so heartbroken when I have to let go again.
Somehow, I have to believe that he is with us, with me still. I don't know how or where or even if, but I want it to be so. I want to feel like these people that I love so much are still around me, watching out for me, and loving me as much as I am loving them.

Grandpa J ~ (mom's bio dad) I did not know him well. My mom only met him for the first time when she was in her 30's. We got to know him best at the end of his life when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My mom and dad moved him from his home in WY to a nursing home near us. My mom took care of him through his final months of life and we got to know him a little bit. He gave my mom the gift of life in the beginning and the gift of love in the end. I wish him peace.

Grandpa T~ (mom's ex-step-dad) He passed away when I was in my early 20's. The most vivid memory I have of him was when I was little and he and his wife were butchering a sheep at their ranch. They were running water through the intestines. I had never seen anything like that before! He was a hard worker. He had struggles with alcohol and was not always kind and loving, but he did have a lot of good qualities and we knew that he loved us. Even though he was not my mom's biological father, he was her sister's father and he always tried to treat my mom like she was his daughter. He was the man who was really her main father figure growing up and he included her in his will and in his life throughout the years. I wish him peace too.

Whew! What a cathartic experience this has been. My face is streaked with tears, but I feel like I've expressed something that I really needed to get out, so now I can feel some peace too!