I've spoken with several people over the course of the past few years about foster care. We've swapped reasons for not doing it, even though the stories of the children in need touched us. Today I'm going to share some of those concerns and also the answers that we have found. There really is a deep need in our society for quality foster parents and instead of talking ourselves out of it, I hope to talk more people into it! :)
1) I think it would be too hard for me to get attached to a child, then watch them go back to their birth family. This is a big one and a concern that does deserve your real attention. However, understanding why the primary goal of the foster system is to have children return to their birth families can be a big help. The fact of the matter is that most children and most birth parents have been attached to each other for a long time. If you have children, imagine being forced to turn them over to strangers - imagine yourself as a child being torn from the only home you have ever known. I guess the point is that despite all the "attachment" issues that you, the child, and the birth parents will experience during this time, the child is really the one who will suffer the most if there aren't good foster parents ready and willing to shelter and protect them during this storm. You can love a child forever, even if you don't get to parent them forever and that in itself may be enough of a gift to make a real difference in his/her life.
2) I don't want to risk having my bio- child/children hurt or abused by a foster child. Keeping the children in your home safe, whether they are your bio, adopted, or foster kids must be your number one priority. The good news is that you can both be a foster parent, and keep your children safe. There are safety monitoring systems that you can use to ensure that you know if a child has left his/her bedroom during the night, you can use baby monitors to help make sure you know what's going on when kids are playing on their own, etc. From what I've read, it is not advisable to have foster children come into your home if you have an infant because that child would be incapable of protecting her/his self or of telling you if there was a problem. Unless of course you were only going to take another infant! In any case, I think in general common sense and gaining awareness of tools that can be used and best practice recommendations can help alleviate some of the concern about safety issues.
3) Don't you have to be married/straight/well-off/stay-at-home etc. to become a foster parent?
The truth is that all kinds of people can become foster parents. The criteria have more to do with your ability to be a safe and solid parent than with your lifestyle. As far as the financial thing goes - they do want to make sure that you have enough income to support yourself and your existing family members, but you don't have to be wealthy by any means.
4) I'm not sure I can handle a foster child...don't they usually have all kinds of "special needs"? Its true that foster children often do have "special needs" - any normal human would if they had experience abuse or neglect and had to be removed from their home. The key is realizing that children can be labeled "special needs" if they are non-white, have siblings, are over a certain age (usually 6), etc. These are things that just make them hard to place, but aren't necessiarly that big of a deal. In addition, children who have experienced trauma may be behind in school, may need to see a counselor, may need occupational or speech therapy, but often can flourish and will likely not need all these services later in life.
5) I'm not sure my spouse/partner/children are on board.
This is an area of concern that really is important to be aware of and to respect. If you are in a relationship, it is important that both you and your partner want to pursue this together. Many times one person is the "driver" or person who feels more passionately about it, but if both of you can't come to an agreement, it would do no one any good to continue to pursue. Foster children need peace and stability in the home and if they feel tension and a sense that one person really doesn't want them there, it will hurt them and they certainly don't need that! As far as children go, its a delicate balance. Its important to talk to your children about their feelings and help them address any concerns they may have. Its helpful to make them a part of the process as much as possible. However, its also important to be clear yourself and to make it clear to them, that this is ultimately an adult decision.
I hope this has been helpful! More as they come to me or you can post your comments or questions below.
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