Creating a Welcoming Space

Creating a Welcoming Space

Congratulations! Your loved ones have decided to become foster or adoptive parents and new children will soon be joining your family. This has probably been a decision that has been a long time in the making for them, but it may be a new idea for you. You may be a little nervous and have some questions about it, don’t worry – this is normal! Consider doing a little reading or research on your own and also feel free to talk with your loved ones about your concerns. Chances are that they have had the same ones and have found answers that they will be able to share with you. In the mean time, here are some basic ideas to help you prepare your home and your heart for the new children in your lives.

In your home:

* Think “safety first” – make sure that your home is not only “kid friendly” but also “kid safe”! Put locks on cabinets and drawers with cleaning products, knives, guns (or other weapons) and medications. Remember that little kids like to get into everything! Consider putting your valuable breakables on higher shelves and removing anything from reach that you really don’t want the children to touch. Prevention is the best cure!

* Be respectful of the parents authority and their discipline/ guidance techniques. Children who have traumatic experiences in their past may not always respond to the same techniques that you may have grown up with or used with your kids. Your loved ones have received special training and new ideas to help them parent the new children in their lives – it is important for you to trust and support them. Remember: When in doubt about something to do with the kids- ask mom or dad first!

* Invest in a few toys and games to keep at your house so the children have some things to look forward to playing with when they visit. Put them in a special area that the kids know about. You can use a cardboard box, small plastic tub, a low shelf, drawer, or a big toy chest, whatever works for you and your space!

* Create opportunities for children and adults to play together and interact at family gatherings. Volley ball, bean bag toss, basket ball, water fight, or other backyard games are great for outdoor summer fun. In the winter try board games, have the family come together to make a special craft, or do a “make your own…” party so everyone can participate in making a special ice cream sundae or pizza or whatever! If you’re not sure what would be appropriate based on the ages of the children, don’t be shy, ask their parents!

* Create opportunities for children and adults to talk together and share stories. One great way to ensure that all the conversations are not going over the kid’s heads is to share stories about “when you were their age”- this is especially fun for elementary aged kids. But remember, a conversation means you have to listen too… give the child a chance to talk and share their memories too!

In your heart:

When children join your family through foster care, there is a good chance that they will not be in your family forever. The primary goal of the foster system is to provide support to families in crisis and assist parents to get the help and resources they need to safely parent their children themselves. These parents are required to complete a series of steps in order to “earn” their children back. If they can not or do not complete these steps then their parental rights may be terminated. In this case, the children will become free for adoption and your loved ones may or may not choose to adopt them.

For many people, it is scary to consider becoming attached to a child who you may not get to see grow up or who you fear may not be going back to an ideal home. The thought of “losing” a child that you have come to love can be pretty terrifying. However, it is important to keep in mind that by sharing your love and affection with these children while they are in your life, you will be giving them a great gift- the gift of knowing that they are worth loving and that they are special. Don’t be surprised if you end up feeling that you have received unexpected gifts too! At the same time, don’t expect too much from the child--children who have been hurt and are separated from their birth families may have a hard time feeling safe enough to get attached to you, they may “act out” (behave badly) and try to push you away. Be patient – many children need counseling and long term consistency in a safe environment to begin trusting adults and learning new ways to view and react to the world.

What about your loved ones who are going to be parenting these children? What can you do to be supportive of them?

* Use respectful language: Your loved ones are parenting the children and through this they earn the title of “parents, mom, dad”. The children also have “birth parents”, “birth mom” or “birth dad”. Avoid using the terms “real or natural” as they can seem offensive to the parents who are doing all the “real work”! Foster children may just call your loved ones by their first names, find out what the children are calling them and think about what you’d like them to call you: “Mr/Mrs” or by your first name or maybe a special nickname. Let you loved ones know how you’d like to be introduced.

* Keep private things private: Children’s lives and histories are private. Your loved ones may not be legally allowed to share everything with you, but whatever information you do gather, try to keep private.

* Note the additional financial costs that your loved ones may be taking on. If they were expecting a new birth child, you might throw them a shower, buy them gifts, or offer them money or a loan to help them as they take leave, give up work outside the home, or put a new addition on their house to make room for baby. Consider the ways you might help them now that they are expecting a child through the foster/ adoptive process. While foster parents do receive money from the state, it is often not enough to cover the total expenses associated with having a new child in the home. Don’t feel obligated to give what you don’t have, but think about ways you might be able to help.

* If you loved ones do choose to adopt a child, welcome that child as a full member of your family. Make sure that the child is included in wills and that you treat him or her with the same love respect that you would any other family member.

Last but not least, what if you still have a lot of questions, concerns, fears, or even prejudices about foster children? Have you heard horror stories about adopted children? What if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of a child of another race joining your family? If you feel that racism or prejudice exist in you, consider doing some work to help yourself overcome these challenges. There are many books available at your local library on this subject. There are also on-line resources and you might be able to find a local support group that can help you. In addition, talk to your loved ones. They will want what is best for their children and will be happy that you want that too.