Wish List

This is just a very basic start, but these are some books I've seen on-line that look like good ones. I'll keep adding more as I come across them!

Maybe Days: A Book For Children in Foster Care
The Star: A Story to Help Young Children Understand Foster Care

Phase 2: Complete

We had our second meeting with our case worker this evening and everything went great! She said that at this point we are all but approved and could possibly have a child placed with us anytime from here on out. Our final offical steps will be having our home study go to the home study review board, having another meeting at our home with her, and then signing on the dotted line (the foster parent agreement). It was a little shocking, but also really exciting, for her to tell us that if a need arises that a child could be placed with us anytime now. We are ready and, in many ways, it would be better to have a placement before the school year starts, but we'll see how things go. Its kind of weird to be in this position because I don't wish for any child to need to be removed from their home, but I do long for a child to be placed with us. Its just a matter of us being here whenever a need arises I guess. It feels good to have this next and nearly final step complete!

Training Materials

Today I thought I'd share the books and videos we have read/watched as a part of our training process. This is a combined list from both of us.

A Child Called It: A heart-breaking and shocking true story of the abuse of a child. It ultimately speaks to the resilience of the human spirit.

Lost Boy: The second book from the same author of the Child Called It. This is the story of his life as a preteen-adult in the foster care system

Adopting the Hurt Child: This one was really good- it kind of speaks to the "worst case scenario" type of situations, but overall has a lot of useful info and ideas.

Ending Lying, Stealing, and Defiance (DVD) - This was a pretty good video, but I wouldn't say it was the best ever. It is probably a good introduction, but if you've read other parenting books or seen other ideas, then this is probably redundant.

Understanding the Traumatized Child (DVD): This video gives a good overall picture, we got a lot of the same info from the "Adopting the Hurt Child" book, but this video is well done too.

Lifebooks: This was a short corespondance course that I found on-line. It is a down-loadable file and is really well done. It gives concise, concrete info on how to make a Lifebook and what to include. It also comes with free template pages - I didn't find them to be highly useful, but the do inspire some ideas.

Allegation Prevention: This was another corespondance course from the same website as the Lifebook one. It was okay, but not great. I did get a few kernels of really good info and some helpful tips.

Working with Birthparents I: Visitation (DVD): This video had a weird format and kind of a strange presentation, but the info provided was pretty good. It was basic, but decent as far as content goes.

Parenting Someone Else's Child: I liked this book. I skipped some parts that went over some of the same stuff that I'd found in other resources, but I liked the author's perspective. She also offered some concrete advice and ideas for how to set things up and and make things work on a day to day basis. Less theory, more practical.

Currently, I'm reading "Telling the Truth to you Adopted or Foster Child" - I'll let you know how it goes!

Creating a Welcoming Space

Creating a Welcoming Space

Congratulations! Your loved ones have decided to become foster or adoptive parents and new children will soon be joining your family. This has probably been a decision that has been a long time in the making for them, but it may be a new idea for you. You may be a little nervous and have some questions about it, don’t worry – this is normal! Consider doing a little reading or research on your own and also feel free to talk with your loved ones about your concerns. Chances are that they have had the same ones and have found answers that they will be able to share with you. In the mean time, here are some basic ideas to help you prepare your home and your heart for the new children in your lives.

In your home:

* Think “safety first” – make sure that your home is not only “kid friendly” but also “kid safe”! Put locks on cabinets and drawers with cleaning products, knives, guns (or other weapons) and medications. Remember that little kids like to get into everything! Consider putting your valuable breakables on higher shelves and removing anything from reach that you really don’t want the children to touch. Prevention is the best cure!

* Be respectful of the parents authority and their discipline/ guidance techniques. Children who have traumatic experiences in their past may not always respond to the same techniques that you may have grown up with or used with your kids. Your loved ones have received special training and new ideas to help them parent the new children in their lives – it is important for you to trust and support them. Remember: When in doubt about something to do with the kids- ask mom or dad first!

* Invest in a few toys and games to keep at your house so the children have some things to look forward to playing with when they visit. Put them in a special area that the kids know about. You can use a cardboard box, small plastic tub, a low shelf, drawer, or a big toy chest, whatever works for you and your space!

* Create opportunities for children and adults to play together and interact at family gatherings. Volley ball, bean bag toss, basket ball, water fight, or other backyard games are great for outdoor summer fun. In the winter try board games, have the family come together to make a special craft, or do a “make your own…” party so everyone can participate in making a special ice cream sundae or pizza or whatever! If you’re not sure what would be appropriate based on the ages of the children, don’t be shy, ask their parents!

* Create opportunities for children and adults to talk together and share stories. One great way to ensure that all the conversations are not going over the kid’s heads is to share stories about “when you were their age”- this is especially fun for elementary aged kids. But remember, a conversation means you have to listen too… give the child a chance to talk and share their memories too!

In your heart:

When children join your family through foster care, there is a good chance that they will not be in your family forever. The primary goal of the foster system is to provide support to families in crisis and assist parents to get the help and resources they need to safely parent their children themselves. These parents are required to complete a series of steps in order to “earn” their children back. If they can not or do not complete these steps then their parental rights may be terminated. In this case, the children will become free for adoption and your loved ones may or may not choose to adopt them.

For many people, it is scary to consider becoming attached to a child who you may not get to see grow up or who you fear may not be going back to an ideal home. The thought of “losing” a child that you have come to love can be pretty terrifying. However, it is important to keep in mind that by sharing your love and affection with these children while they are in your life, you will be giving them a great gift- the gift of knowing that they are worth loving and that they are special. Don’t be surprised if you end up feeling that you have received unexpected gifts too! At the same time, don’t expect too much from the child--children who have been hurt and are separated from their birth families may have a hard time feeling safe enough to get attached to you, they may “act out” (behave badly) and try to push you away. Be patient – many children need counseling and long term consistency in a safe environment to begin trusting adults and learning new ways to view and react to the world.

What about your loved ones who are going to be parenting these children? What can you do to be supportive of them?

* Use respectful language: Your loved ones are parenting the children and through this they earn the title of “parents, mom, dad”. The children also have “birth parents”, “birth mom” or “birth dad”. Avoid using the terms “real or natural” as they can seem offensive to the parents who are doing all the “real work”! Foster children may just call your loved ones by their first names, find out what the children are calling them and think about what you’d like them to call you: “Mr/Mrs” or by your first name or maybe a special nickname. Let you loved ones know how you’d like to be introduced.

* Keep private things private: Children’s lives and histories are private. Your loved ones may not be legally allowed to share everything with you, but whatever information you do gather, try to keep private.

* Note the additional financial costs that your loved ones may be taking on. If they were expecting a new birth child, you might throw them a shower, buy them gifts, or offer them money or a loan to help them as they take leave, give up work outside the home, or put a new addition on their house to make room for baby. Consider the ways you might help them now that they are expecting a child through the foster/ adoptive process. While foster parents do receive money from the state, it is often not enough to cover the total expenses associated with having a new child in the home. Don’t feel obligated to give what you don’t have, but think about ways you might be able to help.

* If you loved ones do choose to adopt a child, welcome that child as a full member of your family. Make sure that the child is included in wills and that you treat him or her with the same love respect that you would any other family member.

Last but not least, what if you still have a lot of questions, concerns, fears, or even prejudices about foster children? Have you heard horror stories about adopted children? What if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of a child of another race joining your family? If you feel that racism or prejudice exist in you, consider doing some work to help yourself overcome these challenges. There are many books available at your local library on this subject. There are also on-line resources and you might be able to find a local support group that can help you. In addition, talk to your loved ones. They will want what is best for their children and will be happy that you want that too.

Chimney Rock

Today I took A- and our two neighbor boys to Chimney Rock. It was a lot of fun and a nice way to spend the day. The kids all did great and I was able to practice some of my skills managing multiple children! :) It really enjoyed it and was reminded how much fun it is to take kids to cool places.

Home Study: Phase 1 Complete

Yesterday C- met with the social worker for his interview. This morning I met with her for mine. She also did our home inspection and talked w/ A-. It felt like it went well. Whew! It feels a little strange sharing your "life story" with someone you don't know well, but in a way it's fun. I think we have everything in order now and after our interview together next week there will be nothing left for us to do except wait. Wait for final certification, then wait for our first placement.

I have continued to have fun getting the bedroom set up. We ran into a little bit of hassle trying to get the bed and the properly fitting mattresses, but it is all in place now! I brought some stuffed animals that I had at my parents house here, got them washed up, and now they have a new home in the new bedroom. Soon they may have new owners!

Just a post

Yesterday we had such a fun time with our family. I love my sister and hope that someday A- will have siblings that he is close to. Water fight, jumping on the trampoline, eating, laughing, visiting- all great stuff and so nice to get to share that with people you love and who you know will always be there for you. This evening I am sitting out here with our chickens wondering if our future child/children will like them. They are really fun little birds. This seems like a good opportunity to share some info about the existing members of our family: 2 dogs: Casey and Snowball, 1 cat: Ziggy, and 6 chickens: Hucklebee, Henny Penny, Carmel, Milky Way, Rosebud 1 and Rosebud 2. 1 child: A-, one husband: C- and one wife: V- (me!) Plenty to love!

Tomorrow is C- 's first interview with the social worker doing our homestudy. She'll be meeting with me on Wednesday. I'm excited and nervous. I hope it all goes well!

What are we thinking???

There will be days like this... we had a really fun day today, but it was just a mild reminder of what it will be like to have another child w/ us full-time. We took one of A's friends with us today on an outing and instead of the quite child in the back we had full on rucus! Between having my adorable nephew over last night, one neighbor with us today, and two neighbors with us this evening... I'm aware of the little tiffs and trials that accompany more people and more personalities. Even just the increased noise level. I know we'll get used to it, but it will be a change. I hope the time it takes us to adapt is not too painful! :)

Getting Ready for the Home Study

I don't have any true "before" pictures, but I did take a few "in progress" pictures. We are converting our former office/ playroom to a true bedroom. Right now it is pretty empty. I redistributed almost all the stuff we had in there except for board games and some toys. I converted part of our garage into an office/ scrapbooking space and moved the computer to the living room.

Its been a lot of work, but it feels good to have figured out a way to make everything fit! I'm enjoying the new use of space in each of these areas. I'm also excited because today I will be picking up a bunk bed. I am also getting a really cute little shelf from my parents, one both my mom and I got to use when we were girls. We have a dresser too. Now I just need to get the dresser emptied of sewing stuff! By the end of this weekend or early next week I should have the room all set up - just waiting on the child! I'll post pics of our clean and reorganized house soon!

How to Become a Foster Parent

There are actually a few different ways that a person can become a foster parent. We choose to work with our local county agency. It all started with a phone call. Next we had to fill out an applciation packet. It was pretty heavty! There were actually several forms involved and info required ranged from how we felt about our own childhood experiences to our financial status. Next we had to get CPR/1st aid certified, get a psychological evaluation, attend an on-site training, do 15 hours of at home training using books and videos (I found some on-line resources too), and last but not least we had to get physicals and send in an "okay" from our doctors. Finally, we are at the point where we are ready for our homestudy. The homestudy will involve around 4, 2-2 1/2 hour interviews in our home and an inspection of our home for safety and space. The social worker will then write up a "report" and after that we will recieve our certification! It's only been a couple of months, but things have been clicking right along and it may just be a matter of about 4 weeks before we receive our certification! After that will will be waiting by the phone for a call about our first placement. Its hard to believe!

What's Been Happening So Far...

Okay, this all started in May... Well, actually this all started about 5 years ago when C and I met, but we made the official decision to move forward in May. What decision was that? The decision to become foster parents and to pursue adoption. We found out about 2 years ago that we had fertility issues, so adding children to our family the "traditional" way would take a miricle and a lot of money. While it was a disappointment for both of us to lose the possiblity of having bio children, we knew that we both wanted more children anyway. I brought my son and a desire to adopt to our marriage from the beginning, and C was on board. Our son is very excited about the prospect of having more children in our home and about someday having a new brother or sister.

Introduction

Welcome to my blog! I have started this blog to share our experiences as parents. We have a son who is going into the 4th grade this year and we are in the process of becomming foster parents. We have been married for almost 4 years and are looking forward to celebrating our anniversary soon. Someday, we hope to adopt. Parenting is tricky business, even at the best of times - which is why I want to share with you and why I so appreciate the things I learn from others. Also, for those of us who are parenting in "alternative" ways, I feel like our experience is different and unique and we need eachother! Because we will be having children in our home from the foster care system, I need to keep this blog annonomous and won't be posting pictures of people, but I will still try to give you a feel for what life is like in our home. Hope you come back again and again :)